I Hate My BLOG!

I will pay money to anyone that can come fix my blog and not lose anything.....This is the reason why I have not been posting...because for some reason that is unknown...my blog setup is completly different from everyone elses! I keep thinking of all these post that I want to do but everytime I get on I remember how irritating my blog setup is and I just give up! Hence the no posting! Sorry to everyone who might still be out there looking at my blog! (who knows I might be typing to crickets!)

Good things to come....

This was EVERYTHING I needed to hear! I know my last couple of post have been unsure and a bit unstable. But after hearing this talk from Bro. Holland, I was overwhelmed with the spirit! I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and not all my blessing come when I want them to come. He has a clear picture of everything and I know that I need to put my trust in Him to see me though ALL my hard times.  I know that my pride and stubbornness are my constant reasons for not falling to Him. I know that He is hurting with me and ready for me to come to Him for comfort. I am grateful for my faith in Him and the love that He has for me.

 http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I

I am sure that if I were to hear Heavenly Father speak it would sound simlar to Jeffrey R. Holland. He has one of the most powerful, sweet, and comforting voices!

Time for a change....(i think..)

I feel that itch and I can't seem to scratch it. I need SOMETHING in my life. Not sure what it is...but I just know that I feel the bug to have, see, want, ( I don't know) something different! Does this make sense to anyone? Anyone at all?  I might sound a bit crazed to some people, but trust me all is well up in the big noggin! Hmmm, Maybe a vacation with just JIMMY? I always want that. Never done that before. Will I get it? Probably on our 50th anniversary. Who knows?  I feel like I might want to move? Maybe? (I'm still deciding on that one.) Lets see...a new couch might make this itch go away! (random right?) Oh well I will figure it out at some point..until then I think I will just sit tight and stop complaining. (maybe)

I Guess I Should Write.....

The tears are still around, llurking in the wings of my eyes and at a moments notice they spring on me! I know some might think that I'm OK with crying, but I'm not.. not at all. I hate HATE hate it with a passion. People say..."its OK to cry, just let it all out." Well don't worry I do. And while doing it I hate it. You might ask why do you hate it so much? Well I will tell you. For me crying is like putting on clown make-up. My face is all splotchy and red. My lips inflate like balloons. My nose gets a crease in it from sniffing and wiping so much. My eyes look like I have not slept in days..... And when I'm good and done crying...does it go away? NO! It stays around for the next hour or two. So then I have people asking me if I'm OK when I have been done for hours! And then the headache comes....enough said!  Another question you might be asking yourself  is "why is she even talking about this?" Well all I have to say about that is...I'm just done crying but my mind won't tell my eyes or my heart!

My blessing are great in number, I know that I am not with out. I do try and remember what I do have. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my heart is still broken. It still hurts. When I'm alone with my thoughts everything aches. I feel alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I feel alone in my feelings, though there are many who know what I'm going through. I feel confused and guilty, embarrassed and sad, angry and lonely.

I remember after having Chloe I felt this extreme sense of LOSS. I didn't understand why I would feel like this. I had a baby right in front of me. So why would I feel like I had lost something. It's like my mind could not tell my heart that we just had a baby. And yet my heart ached for the child in my hands. It knew it was there and fine, but what was the loss? I have that same feeling again. Only this time no baby to have my heart ache for.

Jimmy gave me a blessing the night before I went and found out. In speaking he was having trouble finding the right words. He could not get the words out that I needed, hope, pleaded for. After the prayer I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good news. And some where through out my short term of pregnancy I knew it would not last. I felt it over and over again. So why was I so surprised and so hurt? Why had this not softened the blow?

I guess I write this, not because I am depressed or crying our for help. But just as a way to heal. I write to make it known to myself.  I know that in TIME everything will heal.

One Day.....

One day I'll come back to this thing called blogging....I mean,.. I really do have a lot to write about. There has been so many things happening in our lives and it should be blogged about! We are all still alive though.. and all doing well. But one day I really will come back...maybe tomorrow, who knows...

Are you sure those are my Kids!??

As a kid you wonder if your kids will ever look like you! Well I'm pretty sure we can all agree,...these are mine! (all between 5-6 months!)

Mandy
Adalynn

Sophie

Chloe

Our Nerdy Halloween!

One day I looked at Jimmy and I just knew what we were going to be for Halloween! We had a blast dressing up and I think that our girls make pretty darn cute NERDS!!!

Sophie's little Photo Shoot!

Yesterday Sophie didn't want to take a nap and so we had a little fun together. She is always wanting to put on some of my make-up so I decided one day would be fine!...I always like to see how much her hair has grown because its soo tight in those curls..you just never know. So after that what better way to document the fun we were having, but to do a little photo shoot! She had sooo much fun doing it! I'm glad that we were able to have that fun time together just me and her!

The bestest Daddy a girl can have....

I just love how these girls love their daddy. He can pretty much get them to do anything...unless its 2:00 am...then he's useless. At least I know I'm good at something in this family...You have a crisis in the middle of the night, I'm totally your gal!

 

 

 

They are puddy in his hands!

This is how he makes them "daddy's girls." He molds them into what he wants and then they are his forever...I'm a lost cause in this family...jk!