This was EVERYTHING I needed to hear! I know my last couple of post have been unsure and a bit unstable. But after hearing this talk from Bro. Holland, I was overwhelmed with the spirit! I know that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and not all my blessing come when I want them to come. He has a clear picture of everything and I know that I need to put my trust in Him to see me though ALL my hard times. I know that my pride and stubbornness are my constant reasons for not falling to Him. I know that He is hurting with me and ready for me to come to Him for comfort. I am grateful for my faith in Him and the love that He has for me.
http://www.youtube.com/mormonmessages?v=8nczw6xHJ0I
I am sure that if I were to hear Heavenly Father speak it would sound simlar to Jeffrey R. Holland. He has one of the most powerful, sweet, and comforting voices!
My lalalalalalalas.....
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Time for a change....(i think..)
I feel that itch and I can't seem to scratch it. I need SOMETHING in my life. Not sure what it is...but I just know that I feel the bug to have, see, want, ( I don't know) something different! Does this make sense to anyone? Anyone at all? I might sound a bit crazed to some people, but trust me all is well up in the big noggin! Hmmm, Maybe a vacation with just JIMMY? I always want that. Never done that before. Will I get it? Probably on our 50th anniversary. Who knows? I feel like I might want to move? Maybe? (I'm still deciding on that one.) Lets see...a new couch might make this itch go away! (random right?) Oh well I will figure it out at some point..until then I think I will just sit tight and stop complaining. (maybe)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I Guess I Should Write.....
The tears are still around, llurking in the wings of my eyes and at a moments notice they spring on me! I know some might think that I'm OK with crying, but I'm not.. not at all. I hate HATE hate it with a passion. People say..."its OK to cry, just let it all out." Well don't worry I do. And while doing it I hate it. You might ask why do you hate it so much? Well I will tell you. For me crying is like putting on clown make-up. My face is all splotchy and red. My lips inflate like balloons. My nose gets a crease in it from sniffing and wiping so much. My eyes look like I have not slept in days..... And when I'm good and done crying...does it go away? NO! It stays around for the next hour or two. So then I have people asking me if I'm OK when I have been done for hours! And then the headache comes....enough said! Another question you might be asking yourself is "why is she even talking about this?" Well all I have to say about that is...I'm just done crying but my mind won't tell my eyes or my heart!
My blessing are great in number, I know that I am not with out. I do try and remember what I do have. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my heart is still broken. It still hurts. When I'm alone with my thoughts everything aches. I feel alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I feel alone in my feelings, though there are many who know what I'm going through. I feel confused and guilty, embarrassed and sad, angry and lonely.
I remember after having Chloe I felt this extreme sense of LOSS. I didn't understand why I would feel like this. I had a baby right in front of me. So why would I feel like I had lost something. It's like my mind could not tell my heart that we just had a baby. And yet my heart ached for the child in my hands. It knew it was there and fine, but what was the loss? I have that same feeling again. Only this time no baby to have my heart ache for.
Jimmy gave me a blessing the night before I went and found out. In speaking he was having trouble finding the right words. He could not get the words out that I needed, hope, pleaded for. After the prayer I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good news. And some where through out my short term of pregnancy I knew it would not last. I felt it over and over again. So why was I so surprised and so hurt? Why had this not softened the blow?
I guess I write this, not because I am depressed or crying our for help. But just as a way to heal. I write to make it known to myself. I know that in TIME everything will heal.
My blessing are great in number, I know that I am not with out. I do try and remember what I do have. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my heart is still broken. It still hurts. When I'm alone with my thoughts everything aches. I feel alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I feel alone in my feelings, though there are many who know what I'm going through. I feel confused and guilty, embarrassed and sad, angry and lonely.
I remember after having Chloe I felt this extreme sense of LOSS. I didn't understand why I would feel like this. I had a baby right in front of me. So why would I feel like I had lost something. It's like my mind could not tell my heart that we just had a baby. And yet my heart ached for the child in my hands. It knew it was there and fine, but what was the loss? I have that same feeling again. Only this time no baby to have my heart ache for.
Jimmy gave me a blessing the night before I went and found out. In speaking he was having trouble finding the right words. He could not get the words out that I needed, hope, pleaded for. After the prayer I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good news. And some where through out my short term of pregnancy I knew it would not last. I felt it over and over again. So why was I so surprised and so hurt? Why had this not softened the blow?
I guess I write this, not because I am depressed or crying our for help. But just as a way to heal. I write to make it known to myself. I know that in TIME everything will heal.
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