The tears are still around, llurking in the wings of my eyes and at a moments notice they spring on me! I know some might think that I'm OK with crying, but I'm not.. not at all. I hate HATE hate it with a passion. People say..."its OK to cry, just let it all out." Well don't worry I do. And while doing it I hate it. You might ask why do you hate it so much? Well I will tell you. For me crying is like putting on clown make-up. My face is all splotchy and red. My lips inflate like balloons. My nose gets a crease in it from sniffing and wiping so much. My eyes look like I have not slept in days..... And when I'm good and done crying...does it go away? NO! It stays around for the next hour or two. So then I have people asking me if I'm OK when I have been done for hours! And then the headache comes....enough said! Another question you might be asking yourself is "why is she even talking about this?" Well all I have to say about that is...I'm just done crying but my mind won't tell my eyes or my heart!
My blessing are great in number, I know that I am not with out. I do try and remember what I do have. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my heart is still broken. It still hurts. When I'm alone with my thoughts everything aches. I feel alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I feel alone in my feelings, though there are many who know what I'm going through. I feel confused and guilty, embarrassed and sad, angry and lonely.
I remember after having Chloe I felt this extreme sense of LOSS. I didn't understand why I would feel like this. I had a baby right in front of me. So why would I feel like I had lost something. It's like my mind could not tell my heart that we just had a baby. And yet my heart ached for the child in my hands. It knew it was there and fine, but what was the loss? I have that same feeling again. Only this time no baby to have my heart ache for.
Jimmy gave me a blessing the night before I went and found out. In speaking he was having trouble finding the right words. He could not get the words out that I needed, hope, pleaded for. After the prayer I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good news. And some where through out my short term of pregnancy I knew it would not last. I felt it over and over again. So why was I so surprised and so hurt? Why had this not softened the blow?
I guess I write this, not because I am depressed or crying our for help. But just as a way to heal. I write to make it known to myself. I know that in TIME everything will heal.