My lalalalalalalas.....


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Sunday, June 13, 2010

I Guess I Should Write.....

The tears are still around, llurking in the wings of my eyes and at a moments notice they spring on me! I know some might think that I'm OK with crying, but I'm not.. not at all. I hate HATE hate it with a passion. People say..."its OK to cry, just let it all out." Well don't worry I do. And while doing it I hate it. You might ask why do you hate it so much? Well I will tell you. For me crying is like putting on clown make-up. My face is all splotchy and red. My lips inflate like balloons. My nose gets a crease in it from sniffing and wiping so much. My eyes look like I have not slept in days..... And when I'm good and done crying...does it go away? NO! It stays around for the next hour or two. So then I have people asking me if I'm OK when I have been done for hours! And then the headache comes....enough said!  Another question you might be asking yourself  is "why is she even talking about this?" Well all I have to say about that is...I'm just done crying but my mind won't tell my eyes or my heart!

My blessing are great in number, I know that I am not with out. I do try and remember what I do have. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my heart is still broken. It still hurts. When I'm alone with my thoughts everything aches. I feel alone even though I know I am surrounded by people who love and care about me. I feel alone in my feelings, though there are many who know what I'm going through. I feel confused and guilty, embarrassed and sad, angry and lonely.

I remember after having Chloe I felt this extreme sense of LOSS. I didn't understand why I would feel like this. I had a baby right in front of me. So why would I feel like I had lost something. It's like my mind could not tell my heart that we just had a baby. And yet my heart ached for the child in my hands. It knew it was there and fine, but what was the loss? I have that same feeling again. Only this time no baby to have my heart ache for.

Jimmy gave me a blessing the night before I went and found out. In speaking he was having trouble finding the right words. He could not get the words out that I needed, hope, pleaded for. After the prayer I knew in my heart that it was not going to be good news. And some where through out my short term of pregnancy I knew it would not last. I felt it over and over again. So why was I so surprised and so hurt? Why had this not softened the blow?

I guess I write this, not because I am depressed or crying our for help. But just as a way to heal. I write to make it known to myself.  I know that in TIME everything will heal.

12 comments:

Kim said...

Oh Mandy, so sorry- I'm thinking of you all the way around the world!

Kim said...

Oh Mandy, so sorry- I'm thinking of you all the way around the world!

becbloggin said...

my heart aches for you! may blessings of comfort flow to you and your family. we LOVE you! HOLD TIGHT to the truths you know.

Jan said...

I am so proud of you and your ability to express your feeling in words. I wish I could my arms around you and hold you tight in person but hopefully you can feel those arms and hopefully you felt the comfortors arms
Sending my love, Mom

Jan said...

I am so proud of you and your ablility to express your feelings and hopefully release much of your pain.
Sending my love with open arms
mom

BRAD AND ELIZABETH said...

I love you Mandy. Hugs from me -

Brittany said...

I am so so sorry...how heartbreaking.

Julia said...

I love you Mandy! See you Tuesday.

Megan Kroff said...

Oh, Mandy. I'm so sorry--I know that feeling all too well. My heart goes out to you and your husband!

Tiffney Anderson said...

Oh Mandy, I am so sorry .... Writing is good and I'm with you crying bites, but it is good too. You and Jimmy will be in our prayers.

SMGWinn said...

Hi Mandy. We were shocked to stumble onto your blog and read such heartbreaking news. Rob & I are thinking of you two and praying on your behalf. I have no words to make it better--I'm sure that will require time. Know that we love you both dearly.

--Sarah

Heather said...

It was great talking to you on Sunday. Big hugs....